Why We Miss the People Who Hurt Us Most
One of the most bewildering experiences of healing from relational trauma is this: missing the very people who caused us pain.
You might find yourself replaying memories. Longing for connection. Wondering if things were really as bad as you once believed. You may even feel shame for the grief you carry—as if you're betraying your healing process by missing someone who harmed you.
But this is a deeply human response. And it's one that deserves understanding, not judgment.
Trauma Bonds: When Pain and Attachment Coexist
Relational trauma often doesn't come from outright abuse or neglect alone. It emerges in the murky territory where care and harm overlap. When someone gives you affection and invalidates you in the same breath. When love comes with conditions, or safety is unpredictable.
In those dynamics, your nervous system may start to equate love with anxiety, closeness with control, or attention with volatility. These repeated experiences form what many therapists refer to as trauma bonds: emotional connections rooted in intermittent reinforcement, unmet needs, and cycles of hope and disappointment.
Over time, these bonds can be incredibly difficult to break, because your body learned to interpret these dynamics as familiar—even if they were unsafe.
What We're Really Missing
When you miss someone who hurt you, you're not just missing them. You're often missing:
The version of them you hoped they could be.
The moments of real or perceived connection.
The fantasy of repair.
The parts of yourself that felt alive or worthy when they were around.
Relational trauma doesn’t just involve harm; it involves deprivation. You may be grieving what was never consistently available: emotional safety, secure love, mutual respect.
So yes, missing them might feel confusing. But it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re grieving the entire story—what was, what wasn’t, and what could never be.
How This Shows Up in Therapy
Clients often come into therapy carrying the shame of these lingering feelings. They worry that missing someone toxic means they haven’t made progress. That wanting closure or connection is a sign of regression.
But in trauma-informed therapy, we name this for what it is: your nervous system recalibrating. Your mind and body unlearning the idea that pain is the price of connection.
Healing means making space for ambivalence. It means allowing yourself to feel the loss without rushing into forgetting. It means learning how to hold both love and truth in the same hand.
You Can Honor the Missing Without Going Back
Missing someone doesn’t mean you need to reach out. It doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy. It means you’re wired for connection—and connection, in your experience, got tangled up with harm.
You can grieve the loss without reopening old wounds. You can long for safety while building it from within. You can feel the ache without making it your compass.
Final Thoughts
If you’re struggling with missing someone who hurt you, you're not broken. You're in the sacred, nonlinear work of healing.
In therapy, we don’t ask you to "just move on." We help you make meaning. We help you restore trust in your body, your boundaries, your sense of self. And we walk with you as you create new ways of relating—ways that don’t require you to disappear.
Rooted Therapy offers trauma-informed counseling in Houston and virtually throughout Texas. If you’re ready to explore the impact of past relationships and build something new, we’re here when you are.