One of the most bewildering experiences of healing from relational trauma is this: missing the very people who caused us pain.

You might find yourself replaying memories. Longing for connection. Wondering if things were really as bad as you once believed. You may even feel shame for the grief you carry—as if you're betraying your healing process by missing someone who harmed you.

For decades, the “five stages of grief” model, developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, has shaped our understanding of loss. While this framework (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) offered a way to make sense of grief, recent research and personal experiences have shown that grief is much more complex than a predictable, step-by-step cycle. In reality, grief is as unique as the individual experiencing it, and it doesn’t follow a linear path.