Fawning in Therapy: When You’re Trying to Be a ‘Good Client’
Let’s get real for a second. You know that feeling where you want to be the perfect client? The one who does all the right things, says all the right words, and—most importantly—looks like they have their life together? Yeah, I see you.
You’re not alone. Many of us, at some point, try to play this part in therapy. You come in with your best “I’m totally fine” face, nodding along, making sure your therapist is proud of you for checking the boxes. But here’s the thing: therapy is not a performance.
Let’s break this down a bit.
Fawning Isn’t Just About Pleasing Others—It’s About Surviving
Fawning, or people-pleasing, doesn’t just show up in social situations. It’s a trauma response—a way of adapting to the world when emotional safety feels like a distant dream. Growing up, maybe you learned that doing what others wanted was how you earned love, approval, or even just peace in the home. And while that’s a strategy that may have worked for you then, it doesn’t exactly serve you now, especially in a therapy setting.
You’re in therapy because something’s not quite clicking in your life, right? You’re here because you’re ready to face the messiness, but that doesn’t always mean it’s easy to sit with your own emotions. So, naturally, you try to give your therapist exactly what you think they want.
You know the drill: “I’m doing fine,” “I’m improving,” “I’ve got this under control,” even when that’s not the truth.
But here’s the kicker: Your therapist isn’t looking for you to be perfect. In fact, if you’re trying to perform, you might be missing the whole point of therapy.
The “Good Client” Syndrome
It’s like this invisible pressure to be the “good student” of therapy. You want your therapist to think you’re making progress, but what ends up happening? You stop being you and start trying to be what you think they want you to be.
Maybe you don’t want to upset them by saying you’re struggling more than you’re letting on. Or maybe you’re scared of being judged or, worse, disappointing them. So you gloss over the messy stuff and throw out the “good” stuff—like how you’ve been making more progress than anyone expects.
But here’s the thing: your therapist wants to know what’s actually going on, not the version of you that’s been polished up for the occasion.
Why Does This Happen in Therapy?
The fawn response is sneaky. It doesn’t always announce itself with a loud “HEY, I’M HERE!” Instead, it hides in the cracks of our everyday interactions. It’s a way to avoid conflict, rejection, or vulnerability—all things that can feel like life-or-death when you’ve been hurt before.
You might have learned early on that your emotional needs were a burden, so fawning became your way of staying safe. And guess what? You survived. You made it through difficult situations by molding yourself to fit others’ expectations.
But that survival skill? It doesn’t just turn off when you step into therapy.
Therapy Is for You, Not Your Therapist
Here’s the truth: your therapist is not judging you. Seriously. The only “expectation” they have is for you to be as honest as you can about what’s going on for you. They want to know what’s real—not the highlight reel or the version of you that’s been performing for so long.
In therapy, it’s okay to let down the walls. It’s okay to not have it all together—in fact, that’s often where the growth happens. If you find yourself fawning, ask yourself why you’re so afraid to let your therapist see the real you. The one who’s angry, or exhausted, or doesn’t have the answers. The one who’s unsure, still figuring it out, and not perfect.
Here’s a secret: there’s no “good” client or “bad” client. There’s just you—as messy, complex, and real as you are.
How to Start Breaking the Fawn Response in Therapy
Notice When You’re Performing
Next time you’re in session, pay attention to your language. Are you minimizing your struggles to seem “better” than you feel? Are you saying “I’m fine” when you’re not? If so, pause and ask yourself why. What are you afraid of? What might happen if you just showed up as you are?Let Go of the Perfectionism
Therapy isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up and being real, even if it’s uncomfortable. The more you allow yourself to be honest, the more you’ll get out of it.Reframe Your Fear
It’s natural to want to be liked, but in therapy, vulnerability is where the magic happens. It’s okay to be messy. It’s okay to not have all the answers. What matters is that you’re willing to explore what’s underneath the performance.Trust the Process
Your therapist has seen it all. They’re not waiting for you to be “good enough”—they’re here to support you no matter where you’re at. The therapy room is one of the few spaces where you don’t need to impress anyone. That’s the beauty of it.
Conclusion: The Good News
The good news is that therapy is one of the few places where it’s okay to not have it all figured out. You don’t have to earn your therapist’s approval. You don’t have to be the perfect client.
Let yourself show up as you are—however messy, complicated, or unfinished you might feel. Because that’s where the real work begins. And trust me, it’s worth it.
If you’ve found yourself trying to be the “good client,” just remember this: therapy is for you to explore what’s really going on inside—not the version of you that’s been performing for everyone else.
So, take a deep breath, drop the act, and show up in all your messy glory. Your therapist is ready for you. Are you ready for yourself?
Schedule a consult call today—your journey starts with one honest step.