Why You Shut Down During Conflict: A Trauma-Informed Explanation
You know that moment in a heated conversation when your mind goes blank?
You can't find the words. Your chest feels tight. You want to run, or cry, or just disappear, but instead, you freeze.
It’s not because you’re bad at communication.
It’s not because you’re too sensitive.
And no, it’s not just “conflict avoidance.”
This is your nervous system doing its job: trying to protect you from a perceived threat.
Let’s talk about what’s actually happening when you shut down during conflict, and why it’s more about survival than stubbornness.
This Isn’t Just Emotional; It’s Physiological
When conflict arises, we often think of it as a problem of mindset or skill: I just need to be more assertive. I should be able to talk through this. But if your nervous system perceives conflict as danger, no amount of logic will override it in the moment.
This is where the dorsal vagal part of your nervous system comes in—the part responsible for that collapsed, shut-down, dissociated state. It’s the “freeze” or “fawn” response, and it kicks in when your system has determined that fight or flight isn’t an option.
Your body says:
“I can’t escape this safely, so I’ll disappear instead.”
And suddenly:
Your voice gets small (or disappears altogether)
You feel like you’ve left the room, even though you’re still there
Your thoughts are scrambled or inaccessible
You’re flooded with shame, confusion, or numbness
Real-Life Example: The Freeze Response at the Dinner Table
A client once told me about a moment with her partner during a disagreement about parenting. “It wasn’t even a big fight,” she said. “He was just frustrated and raised his voice. And I went completely blank. My body felt heavy, like I was sinking into the chair. I didn’t say anything for the rest of the night.”
She later realized it mirrored how she used to feel when her father would lecture her for hours as a kid—no room to argue, no way to leave. Her body remembered. Even though her partner wasn’t trying to dominate her, the tone, the raised voice, the dynamic…it triggered an old survival pathway.
It’s Not Weakness. It’s a Learned Survival Strategy.
If shutting down during conflict is something you’ve done for years, it likely developed in a context where being direct, honest, or angry wasn’t safe.
Maybe you grew up in a household where:
Voicing your needs led to punishment or emotional withdrawal
Conflict escalated quickly and unpredictably
You were praised for being “easygoing” or “mature” for letting things go
In those environments, shutting down wasn’t dysfunction—it was wisdom.
But now? That same pattern might be costing you clarity, connection, or repair in your current relationships.
So What Do You Do About It?
You can’t logic your way out of a shutdown response, but you can begin to work with it.
A few starting points:
Notice the early signs. Does your throat tighten? Do your eyes glaze over? Do you stop breathing fully? These are signals, not failures.
Practice staying connected to your body. Somatic therapy, grounding techniques, and breathwork (done gently—not forcefully) can help you stay in the room.
Explore the origin. Working with a trauma-informed therapist, especially through modalities like EMDR or IFS, can help you understand why your body reacts this way and offer it new options.
You’re Not Broken, You’re Wired for Safety
Shutting down during conflict isn’t a flaw. It’s a clue.
It tells a story about where you’ve been, what you’ve learned, and how your body still carries that history even when your mind wants to move forward.
The goal isn’t to erase that pattern. The goal is to build enough safety (internally and externally) that you don’t need it as often.
And that work? It’s not easy, but it’s possible. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Want support navigating conflict and nervous system shutdown?
At Rooted Therapy, we help clients untangle survival patterns like shutdown, fawning, and dissociation so you can feel more choice, connection, and clarity in your relationships.