Why Your Attachment Style Changes Depending on the Relationship
You’ve probably seen the posts: “Are you anxious, avoidant, or secure?” It’s catchy, it’s clickable, and it scratches the ever-so-human itch of wanting to understand yourself in one neat label. But here’s the thing: attachment isn’t a Buzzfeed quiz result. It’s a living, breathing pattern that shifts depending on the context you’re in.
I hear this all the time in therapy: “But I don’t get it… with my best friend I feel totally secure. With my partner, I spiral into anxiety. Which one is my real attachment style?”
The answer? Both. Neither. It’s complicated, because attachment is relational, not static.
Attachment is a Strategy, Not a Personality Trait
Here’s what often gets lost in pop psychology: your attachment style isn’t who you are. It’s what your nervous system has learned to do to keep you safe in connection, and your nervous system is constantly scanning: Am I safe here? Can I trust this person?
That’s why you can feel grounded and confident with one person and on edge or avoidant with another. Your system is designed to be constantly adapting.
Real-Life Example: Same Person, Different Contexts
I’ll give you a glimpse into my own life here.
With certain friendships in my twenties, I noticed I was the “chill” one: secure, relaxed, open. I didn’t obsess over whether they liked me because the dynamic felt easy.
But in a dating relationship around that same time, I felt anxious all the time…checking my phone, overthinking what I said, convinced I’d done something wrong. Same me, totally different attachment response.
And in my work with clients, I see this everywhere: someone who shuts down with a critical parent but feels deeply secure with a nurturing partner. Or someone who’s confident at work but reverts to fear and people-pleasing in family settings.
Why Context Matters So Much
Think of attachment like a nervous system map. Your body remembers where the potholes are (the betrayals, the rage outbursts, the moments of neglect) and it routes you differently depending on the terrain.
That’s why it’s misleading when pop psych content says, “You’re anxious” or “You’re avoidant.” It ignores:
Relationship context: Your style with a partner may look different than with friends, colleagues, or family.
History of safety cues: A supportive boss might bring out your secure side; an unpredictable boss might send you into shutdown.
Fluidity: Attachment responses are adaptive strategies, not permanent categories.
The Subtle Science: State vs. Trait
Here’s something you won’t often find on Instagram: researchers differentiate between trait-level attachment (your general pattern) and state-level attachment (what happens in specific relationships or situations).
That means you can have a “baseline” tendency (say, anxious), but in a context of real support and consistency, your state attachment might look secure. This is why therapy (as a hopefully safe and consistent relationship) can feel so different than anything else. It’s a live experiment in rewiring.
Why This Nuance Actually Matters
When we oversimplify, we risk creating fatalism: “I’m just anxious, so I’ll always be this way.” Or we pathologize: “My partner is avoidant, so there’s no hope.”
But when you understand that attachment is fluid and contextual, something shifts:
You stop blaming yourself for “failing” to be secure everywhere.
You get curious about what safety feels like in different relationships.
You realize change is possible because the nervous system is plastic, and it learns.
Therapy’s Role in Shifting Attachment
In therapy, we don’t just talk about your attachment label. We explore how it shows up in different contexts and what that says about your nervous system’s story. We might notice:
The part of you that panics in intimacy is the same part that once had to chase an unavailable caregiver.
The part that shuts down at work is the same part that used to go quiet when your dad lost his temper.
The secure parts of you (the ones that emerge with safe people) are proof that your nervous system knows how to attach differently.
Through modalities like IFS, EMDR, and somatic work, we’re not just naming your style. Instead, we’re giving your system new experiences of safety, so you don’t have to keep running the same old map.
I’ll Leave You With This
If you’ve ever felt boxed in by a label, know this: you’re not “anxious” or “avoidant” full stop. You’re a person whose attachment responses shift based on context, history, and the presence (or absence) of safety.
And that means you’re not stuck. Healing isn’t about memorizing a category; it’s about learning how to feel secure in more and more contexts, with more and more people, including yourself.
At Rooted Therapy, we don’t just give you a label and send you home. We dig deeper, into the nervous system, the context, and the patterns underneath so that secure connection isn’t just something you read about online, but something you actually experience.
Follow this link to learn more today.