It’s Probably Not That Everyone Is a Narcissist
I hear this one a lot, especially lately in sessions with clients and in social circles.
“Every person I’ve dated is a narcissist.”
“My boss is a narcissist.”
“My mom, my ex, my friend… all narcissists.”
And listen…before we go any further, there’s one thing I want to say clearly: You might have been treated in ways that felt dismissive, self-centered, or even emotionally harmful. That part is real, and I’m not here to argue with your experience. But… the conclusion we land on about why it’s happening? That’s where I notice things can get a little more complicated.
Let’s Gently Reality Check Something
The word narcissist has kind of taken over the internet.
And while narcissistic traits absolutely exist (and can be really painful to be on the receiving end of), actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder is relatively uncommon. So statistically speaking…it’s probably not that everyone in your life is a narcissist.
I know. That might feel frustrating, invalidating, or like I’m about to tell you it’s all in your head. I’m not.
What I am saying is this:
If the same kind of dynamic keeps showing up in your life, it’s worth getting curious about the pattern, and not just the label.
Because Something Is Happening
If you keep ending up in relationships where you feel:
unseen
emotionally alone
like you’re “too much” or “not enough” at the same time
like you’re doing most of the emotional work
confused about why things feel off
It’s likely not random or simple bad luck. It’s a pattern, and patterns usually make sense when we slow down enough to look at them.
A Few Other Explanations That Don’t Get Talked About Enough
Let’s widen the lens a little, because sometimes, what gets labeled as “they’re a narcissist” might also be…
→ Familiarity
We tend to be drawn to what feels known, not necessarily what’s healthy.
So if emotional distance, inconsistency, or having to “earn” love was part of your early experiences…your system might register that as normal even if it hurts. This isn’t conscious, it happens somewhere deeper.
→ Nervous System Conditioning
Safe doesn’t always feel safe at first.
Sometimes it feels… boring. Or flat. Or like something’s missing.
And intensity? That push-pull dynamic? That can feel like chemistry. So, you might find yourself pulled toward people who recreate that familiar emotional rhythm, even when part of you knows better.
→ Being the One Who Over-Gives
If you’re someone who:
anticipates others’ needs
smooths things over
takes responsibility for emotional tone
tries really hard to “get it right”
You might unintentionally create space for someone else to… not show up as much.
Not because you’re doing something wrong, but because the dynamic starts to organize itself that way.
→ Attachment Wounds
This is the deeper layer.
Sometimes we’re not just choosing people, we’re choosing opportunities (without realizing it) to resolve something unfinished.
To finally feel chosen.
To finally be understood.
To finally get it right.
And when that doesn’t happen, it can feel especially painful
So… What Does This Mean About You?
This is the part where people get nervous.
Because it can start to sound like: “Okay, so it’s my fault?” No. This is about agency, not blame.
It’s about understanding that: It’s not that you keep finding narcissists. It’s that your system keeps recognizing something it learned to survive.
And once you can see that… things can actually start to shift.
What Changing the Pattern Actually Looks Like
It’s not just “choose better people”, I can’t overstate how much I wish it were that simple.
It’s more like:
noticing what feels familiar vs what feels safe
slowing down the early stages of connection
paying attention to how you feel in someone’s presence (not just how you feel about them)
tolerating the discomfort of something different
letting relationships build without over-functioning
And honestly? It can feel weird at first.
Sometimes the healthiest dynamic won’t give you that immediate spark. It’s often quieter, steadier, and less consuming. The key here is remembering this: the lack of spark doesn’t always mean it’s wrong.
And Just to Say This Clearly…
There are people with strong narcissistic traits. Thus, there are relationships that are genuinely harmful or one-sided.
This isn’t about dismissing that.
It’s about expanding the story so you’re not stuck in:
“Why does this keep happening to me?”
Because there is an answer to that question that isn’t about your brokenness or naivity.
The Takeaway (If You Only Remember One Thing)
You’re not crazy for noticing a pattern, but the label you found online might not be the full picture (in fact, it rarely is).
When you’re able to look beyond it, life becomes more expansive, and you get more options.
If this hit a little close to home, I see you. And also… this is the kind of thing therapy can actually help you untangle, in a real, grounded way.